Round One

  So, here I am again. Facing yet another difficult journey in the face of death. I was never prepared for anything like this. Life has a funny way of making things seem black and white while trying to make the vivid colors noticeable, too. It’s not always the grass that's greener on the other side. My grandmother told me that life is what you make of it, and everything happens for a reason. I’ve tried to stay positive in the moments that led to this happening again, but I'm only one person, and I’ve gotta try to understand that I am the only person and can’t do everything on my own. Reaching out for help has always been a struggle for me because it was admitting defeat, and growing up in my environment, it wasn’t acceptable to accept defeat. It made me look weak and spineless. I was taught that showing compassion and feelings or empathy was also a sign of weakness. It wasn't like that in the grand scheme of things. My heart is one of the purest, and I am a very old soul. I wish I could explain where my mind is at right now, but in the most clear details, I’d have to say that it’s on a cliff looking out towards the sea. The waves crashing against the shore, and hearing the seagulls making their happy noises. But everywhere I turn, there’s a dark cloud constantly following me everywhere I go. It’s a miserable feeling, and it’s a feeling that I don’t wish on anyone. I open my mouth, but no words come out, but inside I’m screaming louder than anyone could ever hear. As tears roll down my cheek, I take a deep breath and try to tell myself that life isn’t always going to be like this. Getting told that your cancer came back and you’re no longer in remission is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating feelings in the entire world. It’s like you’re being told you’re dying quicker, and there’s only so much anyone can do for you. It’s in “God's Hands,” and we’re just supposed to accept the fact that our souls are destined to float alongside life once you take your last breath. It’s never easy getting news like that. It feels like your world is crumbling around you, and you’re trying to hold on for dear life while the floor is being ripped out from underneath your feet and you're floating, trying to grab onto anything you can to make yourself feel more stable. But it's never enough. I will never understand why all of the things I am going through right now, and I don't think I ever will. Maybe it's punishment, maybe it's bad karma. All I know is that I don't want to deal with this anymore. This will be my last time dealing with something like this, and I truly hope I never have to watch my friends, family, and partners see me go through something like this ever again. Let's skip to the beginning. I was 21 and getting a good start in my college journey. Freshmen, and really knocking out my classes and getting good grades. Then it all came tumbling down. Started getting pains in my lower stomach and noticing changes in my physical health, and trying to pass it off as stress from classes and working on research papers. I couldn't ignore it anymore, and I finally got myself checked out. 2 weeks later, the results came back, and my whole world was rocked. Stage 1 ovarian cancer. I couldn't believe it, and it scared me more than anything. I thought to myself, was this it? Do I even keep going, or do I just give up because every other person I know who's dealt with cancer didn't live very long after that? I had to drop out of college and prepare for tests I didn't even have to study for to know the answers to. It killed me inside to know that a dream of mine was on hold while I was fighting for my life, and I didn't know the outcome or couldn't prepare myself for what was coming next. Truly scared for my future, I went about the plan that the doctors put in front of me. I always tried to keep one foot in front of the other, but some days I didn't even want to get out of bed. This sort of thing isn't always easy to talk about, but the journey isn't something I regret going through because I am proud to say that I made it through the other side, and it wasn't easy, let me tell you. 6 months later, Im back in the doctors office and waiting for another round of chemo. My legs were shaking and my heart was racing because in those moments, I had no thoughts in my head, only fear. Then the doctors came in smiling, and I was highly confused. "Congratulations, you no longer have to deal with treatment, and you're cancer-free." My heart sank, but was immediately brought back to life. Remission? Me? I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to say, but my doctors told me I was no longer sick and I could go back to enjoying life and not worry about tests and doctors' appointments and wondering when my time was going to come to an end. It was a glorious feeling to have, and I felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down except the fact that I was not able to continue my college education for the degree I was pursuing, even though I took medical leave and had a good reason for it, but it still wasn't good enough, so I took a break and reclaimed my life and tried to make the best of it to the best of my abilities. Fast forward to now...that's a whole different story.